Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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