he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
