She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
