I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Who did Billy Mays play for?
zippers are such a cool invention
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
