So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
