All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
