In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
