Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize