I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
