fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
