He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
