he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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