Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it hurts more in the daytime
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize