Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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