I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
