I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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