How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Randomize
