Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
handjob tips. give me some.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
