I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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