everyone is single if you try hard enough
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
