Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
