I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
