I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
