i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
