she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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