I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
