My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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