I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
