Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
