thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
