My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
