Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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