never play flip cup with pint glasses
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
