Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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