Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
