he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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