fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
