Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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