I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.â€
Randomize
