Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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