what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
