Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
