I wannas sexs uuuuu
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
