Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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