There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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