We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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