Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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