Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
