Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
