Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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