Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
