I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
