I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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