last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
