i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
