i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
