even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
