And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
