I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
