How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
