he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just sucked dick on a ferry
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
