I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
