And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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