I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
