Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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