If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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