I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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