I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
