OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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