You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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