also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
